无言。
This is what I wanna tell the friend whom I am supposed to meet for lunch today. "If you wanna find excuses, please think of something better lah!" As you can see, my answers are one liner or one word. But I don't think she catch that I am U.N.H.A.P.P.Y.
Btw, she is the one who suggested lunch today. Next time if she is to ask me out, I will just last min say " Oh, I gotta buy toilet paper!"
Ovulated yesterday and we bd at bedtime.
I guessed he really no mood yst. Tried a few times but he don't feel it coming at all. He will tell me "Lao po, how ah? cannot leh. I need help." Then he took out his ipad to watch porn. Actually while he was bathing i already warmed myself up by watching abit and I am quite 'there' already. Then he took so longggg tt affected me… n no matter what he do n even when i continue to watch also no feeling. I seriously think we have sex incompatibility.
He ended up a weak ejaculation, he claimed. He said "Sorry lao po, very little today" At that point i know I shouldn't let my emotions run but i still did. He felt that vibe immediately and tried to cheer me up. But little works.
I dunno why but I felt sorry for him this morning. I felt sorry for adding salt to his wound. Extra sad yst cuz I felt what a waste as its my ovulation. To think of it now, even if have a big ejaculation during ovulation also doesnt warranty anything.
Sex is supposed to be the most intimate and enjoyable moments of a married couple. But not the case for me at all.
I started to hate it, dread it, esp with him. I always need to go with him timing unless its my ovulation period becuz he can go without sex forever. I cannot.
I dread sex with him because i know i wont enjoy. And it is also at deadly hours and its taking away my precious sleep. Most imptly, I know we have sex becuz we are ttc and he knows i need it.
I don't feel he need me. And he can never fulfil my desires. I fake all the orgasms to make him feel good. If this persisted on, i am afraid that I may stray one day. If someone else can make me feel loved both physically and emotionally, I may betray him.
Even until now he cannot ejaculated normally when we have sex. He still needa diy half way thru and penetrate whenever he feels orgasm coming. I know this isn't healthy. But I really can't do anything if he let it this way.
I am often in a dilemma if I want a child with him or I just want a child. Scarily, its the latter. I clearly knows it will be ideal if i can have someone's child, not his. He definitely cannot be a good father to my future child. Unless he change after tt, but its a damn risky bet. If you ask me, then why u still wanna ttc wif him? What i can say now is… I cannot see any future with him if we don't have a child. Like a new "something" for us to plan for and look forward for.
Even the only thing for me to look forward to is so difficult now. This week is my ovulation period and so far we only bd 1x on thursday. And god knows when's the next time… worst is I gotta wait for his queue. I am damn sian.
I am afraid our marriage will crumple one day. Its matter of when. While i am feeling this way now… I don't think he feels the seriousness. Thats our difference.
Is today a good day to give birth? There are at least 6 new birth announcement in FB!!!
I felt that I have less empathy for pregnant women on train.
Situations when I am at the priority seat and there's a slightly plump women with bulging tummy standing right in front of me…Instead of having the dilemma of whether to give up my seat (which i usually do) since i am not sure if she's pregnant.. I choose to ignore it totally.
And YES, because I am jealous.
My dose of essence to stay awake 😳 一天迟睡三天补不回！
Menses just ended. Also means its time to start "work" soon. Really hard work ah. Honestly, I not looking forward to it… like i prefer to 早睡早起。BD means I have to sacrifice my sleep or have difficulties to fall asleep after that. Certain days after my bd, my body was so tired but my mind was super alert (perhaps there's too much things going on in my mind).
For record purpose, today is CD 7. I am trying to pay attention to my cm. Wah lau, damn much ewcm today and super thick and slimy (sorry tmi). Forums said ewcm means it time to start bd, but then hor, where got so early one? yst my af just ended only. Perhaps checking of cm is not the way to go for me to detect ovulation? 🤔
Yay the casings for my pink baby finally arrived! My phone has new clothes for 🎄 Haha…
#iphone7plus
#taobaobuys
Packaging 1️⃣ 😍
Purple marble iphone 7 plus casing
Packaging 2️⃣😍
Bunnies iPhone 7 plus casing
I've been making a mental bucket list for vacation destinations today. I know its impossible especially with my hb's "rules" but its always good to have a dream right?
🔅South Africa
🔅Santorini
🔅New Zealand
🔅Iceland
🔅Aussie (Been to Tasmania but not other places)
My hb sound interested in Iceland too. I hope he will be wavered over time haha… thou he said the same thing…Times are not good, we cannot travel in the near future. Haiz. Furthermore, we are trying ivf next year, so…
Holiday plans gotta put on hold. Actually I don't mind not travelling for an extended period if I can bear a child lor. I will have other things to be busy with. It will take my mind off my love for travelling too. My mom's 签, please be true. I will be holding that belief to carry on my life w slightly more hope.
Mom said she went to the 四马路观音庙to help me 求签on whether I will have a child in my lifetime.
The 签 was 上上签。The 签said something like "I need to be patience" So she interpreted as I will eventually have, just need wait a little while more.
Hope its true 👉👶🏻
Had a serious talk with my hb last night. I was sharing with him how depressed I was to see red after I heard two pregnancy news within 1 week and they are both my close friends.
I brought up the IVF topic again since he said we shall give it a try if I don't get pregnant by end of the year. And its already November! 😪 He said "You really want ah?" I was quite furious immediately. What was he thinking when he said that? I am not kidding to him all these while ok.
Not only this, he brought up something even more surprising. Like I've always said, his thinking process is very different from other guys. Even as his wife I cannot say I fully understand him. Here's how the conversation went:
Hb: When you think of having a child, how you thought of other problems that will tag along with it?
Me: What problems?
Hb: Who takes care? How you even thought about it?
Me: Hey, we can't even conceive what's more to talk about who will be the care giver? Too early ba… uneccessary worries. Take one thing at a time ma. If we think this think that don't need to have a child already.
Hb: Start thinking after having the child will be too late.
Hb: Start thinking after having the child will be too late.
Me: Not that we never think about it before. We did. You have probably forgotten since its 3 years back when we are newly married. I mentioned to you I am open to all options except your mom and you know why. So hiring a maid or put at infant care will be our options. The third option is
to take care myself and quit my job. However, this won't work cuz single income will put a strain to us at this moment of time.
Hb: Then have to think further like what if my mum wants to take care? How are we going to convince them? And if we are hiring a maid, what will they think when the folk are able to take care.
Me: Yes, thought of all these. For infant care, the child can learn more social skills and etc. For maid, better for the both of us as compared to sending the child to their place early in the morning we are staying at the extreme ends of sg) and my bil & da sao will feel biased if they take care of our child and not theirs since their son is adopted.
Hb: Ok, how about the part on waking up in the middle of the night to attend to the bb? You cannot have expectations that I need to help. I will if I want to…cause my job needs enough sleep, if not it cause danger to me.
Me: Well, I don't need you to help. I can do everything myself. (Very pissed and controlling my tears at this point)
Hb: You need to ask yourself if you can take it before we consider having a child. I want to manage your expectations first cuz I know you are some one very calculative by nature.
Me: Not that I know you won't help. I will have zerop expectations on that.
Hb: How about those gynea appointments. You cannot expect me to go with your all the times.
Me: No, I know you won't.
Hb: You are not even thinking. How about times when your bump is big and really need someone to accompany you for the visits?
Me: I will grab a cab there myself
Hb: I said you are not even processing at all (furious). What if half way thru you got into accident? Have you thought of getting your parents or sis to help out?
Me: No, I didn't. I dont wanna trouble them. If can go work myself, why I can't I go gynea? Are you thinking too much?
Hb: Whatever lah, I told you to think through and you are just giving me answers that you can think of on the spot.
Me: These aren't things I thought on the spot. I have thought through before, just don't think we should discuss since I can't even get pregnant yet.
Hb: Ok, you said one huh. You can handle all these. Don't say I never warn you. Don't mai yuan me if I never do this next time.
Me: I won't. I am stronger than you think I am.
Hb: For our case, I guess hiring a maid is the best solution.
Me: Yes I agree. So, when are we going for IVF?
Hb: Let's do it after CNY. Meanwhile you find out the costing first. And let's have this agreeement, we try one cycle (finish up all the frozen eggs) and if things doesn't go well, we shall give up.
Me: Ok. Its also expensive, we don't print monies. We shall look into adoption then. Are you keeping an open mind for adoption?
Hb: Yes. But for adoptation we shall wait a couple of years more first.
Me: (Thinking: I seriously don't wanna go for the adoption route).
Already can't believe we are indeed going to try IVF soon. Can't I be like others, conceive naturally? I wonder if the doctor can give my hb anything to boost his sperm count and morphology?
But honestly after hearing that he is not helping and giving me any support when i am pregnant or have a child (I cannot expect anything from him)… is making me very doubtful about this decision. ☹️☹️☹️ He said the only thing he can promise is to give me a helper. What's point of having a husband? He don't want the child or what? We are going thru this becuz I want it so he 勉强？
The witch visited this morning. I am out.
Today is officially 15dpo or CD29. One day late. I hate it whenever my period drags cause it gives me empty hopes. During those months that I see tcm, my cycles usually lasted 24-26 days. Before tcm, they were 28 days very on point. I remember that there was one time since I started #ttc that my cycle went up to 29 days. Checking my fertility app.. it says nov 2015. Means this will happen like once a year? Festival or what? I don't need negative shocks like this lor!
I always tell myself to control my emotions whenever I see red but why is it still so difficult after 2years of ttc? I felt like the worst failure that can ever exist in this world. Its so simple for others, something natural as they progress in their life and not something that you need to be stressed over, felt so horrible and affected all the months. How can someone ttc for 10 years and still hopeful? I don't think I can handle it that long 😥
2WW symptoms spotting
The worst thing to do during ttc is to symptoms spot. Cramps la, nausea la, fatigue la, sore boobs la… all these really doesn't say anything if u r pregnant. I get at least 3 of these every ttc cycles and still bfn. Doing those only make us even more depressed when the witch arrives. Its really easy to say but hard not to not notice those symptoms. I am still trying after 2 years ☹️ According to my personal survey (with my preg friends), those preg didn't exp any symptoms at all during 2ww!
Resentment 🔹 Friends
Resentment towards friends who genuinely told you to be numbed or comfortable over pregnancy news.
Ever since I got my period, I will start to hate those
advices from friends who meant well for me. I started to question, "of course you can say that easily what, you were never in my shoes" Similarly if I don't have problem like this, I can advice you that way too. I am often in a dilemma whether to share or not to share my ttc prob. I always turn to this friend for my ttc prob cuz she already has a 2yo boy. Things are no longer the same now cuz she just conceive her baby no.2. Haiz….
// StarzDream // 