Happiness is a choice.

I tried so hard, but I still can't. Yesterday is the day, I've been monitoring it thru the app… even hinted him via a msg in the afternoon. I said "You really want me to sleep early tonight?" As always, no reply. Yst was day13 and the chances of conceiving was very high. As much as I wish to tell him straight in the face, but I pulled back. My inner voice told me "What's the point?" I need to give constant reminders and give him a push to what he is supposed to do in the first place.

Pointless. Maybe I should catch my beauty sleep instead.

I said I really can't…. I meant I can't go thru this every month. I have some expectations. Be it ttc or normal
couple life. We are more like roommates, only diff is we are sleeping on the same bloody bed.

I cannot contain my disappointment each time this happens. And sorry to say, Loving you has never been the same. I have to force myself go say "me too" when you told me you love me. I dunno, maybe all these have caused our love to diminish to the point that I don't feel anything at all.

I have painted a picture of us with our little kids

But something which comes so naturally for other couple does not happen to us. And I don't see it happening in the near future. A women's biological clock is ticking, and time waits for no man. You told me we will try harder next month (full of energy)… but at this rate/frequency, I can only see my O day passing by every month. There is no way we can get there.

Tbh, before we seek help from gynea or tcm, I already have negative thots that we cannot perserve thru before of ur character and condition. I feel that no one help us and this is a dead end of our marriage.

I have to ask myself if I can live with this for the rest of my life?

Another insomnia night. I felt like a walking dead now.

Everyday, you're proving me that I'm making the wrong decision to be so soft hearted.

The ticking time bomb continues to explode unknowingly every other days. I find myself spending my time removing each and every time bombs that i managed to discover but there are still some that I've stepped on my accident.

How to love and be intimate with someone like this… You've made me lose faith in LOVE and lose the real me. I am no longer me.

每天以泪洗脸，我要这样的人生吗？

Here again, as long as something is going against his standard or wish, he will turn a black face. His attitude towards me will be colder than a piece of ice. No amt of giving in, pacifying, apologising will work. Seriously I don't need a puberty son, I need a grown up husband!

I remember I've read somewhere that if you could
treat your husband like your son. You will never grumble. But how about a husband that can treat you like his daughter? I'm not asking for that extreme but he is really too pity at times. I'm so tired. Times when i feel i'm right i still need to apologise as I hate to stay under one roof with a stranger. On fhe other hand, he NEVER apologise! I repeat, NEVER. At all circumstances. His ego is bigger than anything else!! Yes, he thinks why shld he??

Why men always can never be bothered. After a fight they can sleep soundly, whereas I will have insomnia the entire night?

Had a chat with mom recently, she always say "think
thru this marriage. Just remember the door is always open for you" After she said this I always tear and blame myself… I am heart broken but I believe my mom will be worst. I hate myself for sharing my woes with her. There's already so much things for her to worry, yet I'm adding on to her list.

I love you more than anything mom

I have never been so grateful to my mom before I was married. Remember the day before my
pre-wedding photoshoot, i told my hb (then bf) that I was a bit flu-ish. Instead of being concern abt my flu, he scolded me for not seeing doctor since I knew i am catching a cold earlier. At that time, I really have the impulse of calling off the whole thing, but of coz it didn't happen.

That very morning itself, the photoshoot started at 9am. My mom, woke up really early to help me buy non-drowsy panadol. I was so touched. That's a mom's unconditional love towards her child. When I reached the makeup studio, my hb was still angry from yst's episode but passed me the same panadol but was not even a new packet (apparently took from whatever was leftover at home). Can you see the difference between unconditional love and self-centeredness?

He is an expert in placing his emotions in front of other's interest/well-being. Need me say more?

Mom also said sthg that has made me wake up. 以前的你是个开心果，现在看你一点都不开心。Very true, friends used to call me pistachio, happy go lucky gal, etc. 命运真作弄人，但为什么你要找上我？My wishes are simple, a loving husband, a happy life, a happy small family. No need branded bags, no need tai tai life, I only need a sensitive and caring husband.

Am I asking for too much? I dont think so…

Time check, its 1:15am. The world is sleeping, the snoring sound is loud amidst the quietness. Here I am, insomnia again… Just kill me….

Life is meaningless

The witch is here!

Good-bye another month.

All pre-pregnancy symptoms happened to me. I thought this should be the month! But, as usually its overrrrr….. What a wishful thinking, so many month of nothing, what makes me think I will get it this month? Somemore the bd-ing has reduced in frequency, chances will be lowered as well.

This month is extremely hard to get over cuz a v close colleague J got pregnant at her first attempt of active #TTC. Two of my lunch kaki are preggies and their topic revolves around things like…

What to expect at different trimesters, how amazing to feel the first bb movement, finding confinement lady, gynea appointments, etc. How can I turn a deaf ear? The more I hear the more stressful I become and this is taking a toll on me when my af arrives every month.

I know getting pregnant is not easy for us. Esp when hb has some conditions and our bd-ing is very very seldom. You get the idea?

I know, we only tried for one year while there are many couples, thou minority, who could try for 4-5 years to hit the jackpot. Patience and determination is the key. There is a lot of hardwork from both parties like seeing gynea or tcm on a regular basis, exercise more regularly and eat healthily.

However, I am really not sure he can walk thru this with me. I have ever brought up to him that going for fertility treats requires to go bk on a weekly basis and we have to set aside time for that.

And he said, "Not one time only meh?" Oh plssss, he thot magic meh? He is not someone who will painstalking go thru life's rough patches. Hence I am
v v unsure if he will give up half way if we go for treatment in June.

It takes two hands to clap

Should I give up the idea of ttc? Will I be happier? Maybe keep a pet to keep me busy? This ttc thing is also affecting our r/s. Hb is feeling too pressured into bd as he felt its only to make bbs. Our sex life is plain like water. Basically we only do it during O period. For the other weeks, he did not initiate at all! I really feel unloved. What's the point of all this, seriously?

你生在福中不知福！

I can't believe this was coming from him. He claimed that he has already gave me a lot, an iRobot, paid for the PT auntie on alternate weeks, paid most of the utility bills… yet I still expect him to help out with the remaining household chores.

TBH, I seriously dont mind doing all the chores, simply cuz this is our home. But at the same time, u don't want your other half to sit there shake leg not even helping a single bit right?

I am always supressing my real feelings. What a depressing life. This lead to me think… maybe this is best situation we are put in. Without a child, I always have my choices.

Why its so easy for some ppl?

J is pregnant. Congratulated and felt so happy for her but… deep inside I am asking god why is she so lucky? She tried for only 2 cycles and she got it. For the past weeks, she has been sharing with us her ttc stories i.e how often they have sex before Ovulation, how eager she wants to conceive, who will take care of her child, etc. During that time i thought, haiya… too early to think of ll these. It is not so easy to conceive as you thought you will. Look at me! Life example.

J said she was caught by surprise when she test with her last piece of CB pregnancy kit. BFP reflected almost right away. She wasn't expecting it cuz all her pms symptoms are showing. She even wore a pad to prepare for her next period.

She lamented that if she didnt get it this time, she will mostly likely not try as hard the next cycle. I treated this as a joke cuz I felt that she made a childish comment. You're telling this to someone who has tried for one Fucking year?

Sometimes i think… maybe i will not have a child for this lifetime. If not, what's taking it so long. Yes, its possible that either one of us may have some fertility issue. We only managed to complete the 'job' one 1x or max 2x during my fertile frame. I choose to believe that if we are fate to have a child or if god plans to give us one, we will, despite the low job completion count. This mth we have 1 count, we shall see… But I don't want to expect anything from it.

Baby dust to all TTC ladies and myself!